December 7, 2016
May the liberty of forgiveness saturate our souls and set us free from the past. I just can't hide anything from you, precious family. And as you may have surmised from my last message about going through trials that you never thought you would go through, that's been my story for the past few weeks.
First of all, I want to make it clear that this is not about anyone I have talked about before, or at least to my recollection. Certainly not my husband, Carol, Dr. Sherry or any of the prayer warriors. Just to make that clear.
I had entrusted someone with a very precious thing. Something belonging to Jesus, something belonging to others, as well. And of late, I have discovered that they have betrayed my trust. All I can say is that I have cried for over a week now, every day, as I come to terms to what their trust had meant to me. Even now, my heart is broken, my eyes swollen from crying and feeling extreme fatigue.
Yes, I can hear you, my Satanist friends - cheering, but God always turns what was meant for evil into good. There is yet a silver lining to this cloud.
Well, as we all struggled with this trial, I came to realize it was allowed by God as part of the test for the next level. Did you say you would go higher with Him no matter what...when the invitation was given a few weeks ago? Didn't He tell us it would be painful? If you did, you are probably struggling with something more difficult than you've experienced yet in your life.
I have not spoken to him (the betrayer) yet, about what was and is being done and the Lord has asked me to stand down. So, I am waiting on Jesus to do what is most important to Him: convict this soul that they might repent and be born again. He puts on the airs that he is saved, but he is not. He puts on the airs that he has a relationship with God, but he does not know Him.
Oh, people beware of those who do not know the Lord. Do not entrust them with anything precious, even those who know the Lord are weak. I don't even know if I would be trustworthy.
But each day as I cried, I can only come to the point where I am repenting for my own sins. "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors" rings in my ears and each day I must forgive again, because he continues to offend. Each day I must deal with a pretend smile while beneath it is wicked plotting. So each day I must come and renounce my self-pity, the sting of betrayal and know that my sins are far worse in my life. Especially before I was saved, but even after that, I could have fallen at any time into this sin.
Then I must love, truly love and want the best for him. Yes, that is a work of grace, not coming from my ability or sanctity, which I would say is running on the bankrupt side right now.
Dr. Sherry, Carol, Ezekiel and others close to me know well this trial is not just about Judas. This trial is about the challenge to love and forgive on a daily basis, knowing full well that the smile you are looking at is a lie, and the plotting against you continues. I have met my match in this trial.
As you all know, when someone seriously betrays your trust it drains you emotionally, mentally and physically. And that is why I've been a bit short on the messages. I have spent days crying and I'm just not able to think straight. After communion it gets better and I think I can carry on a semi-normal life, but later it creeps up on me again. The same thing with Ezekiel.
I go to sleep praying for mercy and an end to this trial. I wake up only to face it again the next day. In truth, I haven't wanted to get out of bed. Forgive me, I've just wanted to crawl in a hole and go to sleep. All of that though is self-pity and God abiding with His grace - I want no part of it. I only want to forgive and love.
So I wanted to tell you about this and ask you to please pray for us. Stand with me for the salvation of this soul, and be patient, because I have not been as on top of the messages as I would like to be. I am not about to invent something to tell you just to take up air space. I am sharing my guts, my life, the real things that I face each day in the hope that you, too, will be strengthened in your struggles with the evil in your own life and the ability to forgive others over and over again...70x7.
It reminded me of this parable that the Lord told.
Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
"Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
"At this the servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
"But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded.
"His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.'
"But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
"Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
"This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart."
Matthew 18: 21-35
Wow. Forgiving from the heart is a whole different thing than saying "I forgive you." It's a real work of mercy and grace, that's for sure. And I am not so much frightened by the punishment, as I am offended by injustice. If the Lord can forgive me for all I've done, can I not forgive my brother? For surely he has wonderful traits I am lacking.
Lord, do you have something to say?
"My daughter, My Bride, I know what you are suffering, but is it worth it to see this soul not perish in the fires of hell. This child of mine, unknown to them, is in league with the Devil and without repentance. If they died in this moment would go to eternal damnation. They are oblivious to that, they're not thinking that way at all - although I've been knocking at the door of their conscience for months, they still turn away and refuse to respond.
"I love this soul ever so tenderly, and there is so much good there. But the good they think they have done in their lives is far outweighed by these evils and justice cries out. I cannot send such a one to Heaven. They have chosen not to work for Me but for themselves and the Devil. So what shall I do?
"This is a terrible trial for Me, as well. I must keep them alive, protect, admonish and wait for them to recognize how far into the depths they have fallen. And there is so much pride and arrogance, even that is a mighty task. Yet I do have My ways and means committee, don't I?"
Yes, Abba, You truly do.
"I have brought this soul, deliberately to you, so they could be saved, Clare. I know you were aware months ago of evil-doing, yet you stood with Me and allowed it to continue. But now that I have brought it to your attention, it is in preparation for a resolution. I need you to pray for them, as you've never prayed before. I have stored every tear you have shed for them, and grace is being released. Nonetheless, stand with Me, Beloved, and continue to offer your prayers and the sufferings this is causing you and those around you."
On that note, Ezekiel has been very sick from the stress of knowing what's going on.
God the Father continued, "And the way I am using it for your good to truly is to truly expand your heart and work into your own soul humility and true contrition. When My children see their own sins clearly, they do not raise an eyebrow to condemn. Clare, be brave, be strong, and be loving. These gifts I impart to you, Beloved, and to all listening who are longing to have them."
In conclusion, I want to share with you this story, in the book, The Wisdom of the Desert Fathers.
There is a story of how there was an assembly of monks that gathered together to deal with the transgression of one of the brothers. The Abbott, Moses, did not show up for the meeting - although he knew about it. They sent a message to him: "We're waiting on you to begin!"
So Abbott Moses went, but in true prophetic form he silently entered carrying behind his back an old basket filled with sand that ran out behind him, leaving a trail.
Asked what in the world he was doing, he answered, "My sins are running behind me and I do not see them - and I am come to judge the sins of another man?" The proceedings ended before they formally began, and the brother who had sinned was forgiven.
It's a beautiful story, I just never forget. And it leaves such an impression on our hearts and minds. Here's this old, holy man carrying a basket of sand and it's pouring out behind him. And those are his sins that he cannot see. A beautiful story.